Waiting...

Waiting is hard. Actually, it is the hardest thing both Spencer and I have been through. It's not easy. We long to be parents each and every day. It is constantly in our thoughts. We have to remind ourselves that very few know how we feel and that it is not a part of everyone's life like it is ours. We have good days, bad days, and really bad days. There are days nothing anyone can say to me to make this journey feel any easier...until now. My best friend has been through infertility just like we have and has adopted 2 beautiful children. She has a blog and had another adoptive mom post on her blog. She was writing to her son and her words touched me like nothing else has. There is a reason our wait has been this long and her words in the last paragraph have shown me why. 

Here it is:

The song that always makes me think of you is called "Blessings," and it was written by an artist named Laura Story, but my favorite version is sung by the group Mercy River.  The first verse and chorus go like this:

"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace,

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.

We pray for healing, for prosperity.

We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

And all the while, you hear each spoken need,

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

Because what if your blessings come through raindrops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

This song makes me think of you because before you were born, I prayed and prayed to become a mother.  It didn't matter to me how I became a mother--your daddy and I started the adoption process at the same time that we started fertility treatments--but when both avenues seemed only to lead to heartache, I started to doubt and fear.  Life got dark and difficult.  An ectopic pregnancy.  Countless negative pregnancy tests.  Lots of contacts from expectant mothers who were considering adoption but eventually chose to parent or chose a different adoptive couple.

I prayed and asked why.  I prayed and asked that God end our wait immediately.  I prayed and asked what He wanted for my life.  I felt confused.  I felt angry.  I didn't understand why such a good and honest desire, to be a mother and give love to a child, wasn't being answered.  The emotions that I felt during those difficult months are captured so well in the words of the second verse of the song:

"We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear,

We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love,

As if every promise from your word is not enough.

And all the while, you hear each desperate plea,

And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Because what if your blessings come through raindrops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

Last week, you and I sat outside in the backyard together at your little picnic table and ate brownies and ice cream.  At the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance, you sat up straight and listened intently.  "What's that noise, Mommy?" you asked.  And when I just smiled, you said excitedly, "I hear a train, Mommy!  I hear a train!"

My heart ached with happiness, and I leaned in close. "Give Mama a kiss?" I asked.

You reached for me across the table, your fingers sticky with gooey chocolate, your face smeared with melted ice cream, and planted a peck right on my lips.

In that perfect moment I was reminded, as I am almost daily, that you--you, my perfect little boy--are the reason that God could not give me what I wanted right when I wanted it.  He knew that you were on your way, and He knew that your brave birthparents would find us when the time was right.  He couldn't send us just any baby--He knew that we needed you. 

I love this and had to share with my mom. My mom then responded with: I love that song, Jess. I have listened to it often.  Priceless lessons we will one day know why you have waited so long.  Your baby must be so special!!! Love you.  

My mom is definitely right :)